June 23rd, 2009
Identity
- Before you flame me, please remember I’m only speaking about my personal experiences with sexual identity, I am in no way trying to imply that anybody else should/will have a similar evolution.
- Don’t worry, part two of the vibrator guide will be up next week!
- Make sure you check out Octopus Pie tomorrow to see my guest strip :D Thanks to @readsulagna, Kim and Steve Lieber for the text on panels 4, 5 and 6. And Meredith herself for the final panel ;)
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:45 am
Heh. I love this one because it’s ME, too! Thought I was the only one ’til I found your comics. LOVE! (And thanks… )
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Hey, I can relate. It’s a weird system.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:31 am
This has pretty much been my experience, too (ages, hair, and identities anyway) except I went by pansexual instead of queer. It’s a little unsettling to see it depicted in comic form, but I’m also relieved that I’m not the only person who has issues with labels.
Love your comic, by the way.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:06 am
Well, it never occurred to me to define my identity based on my sexuality, but that must be because my sexuality is BORING. I’ve always been straight, and there’s never been an exception.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:15 am
This is one of my favorite comics yet! I really love that you tackled this issue and I think you are spot on about not wanting to have to be labeled just because of who you are fucking or who you’d maybe LIKE to fuck. It’s really hard to define one’s self as “pansexual”(which I do) or anything of the like when I’m with a die-hard lesbian who doesn’t believe in any middle ground. Comics like this are of a real comfort to read and make me feel less alone on the subject. So thank you!
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
15 year old erika = CUUUUUUTE! (in the ‘little newborn tiger kitten way’)
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Having a queer community to support those who differ from the John Q Heterosexual outlook is a bit of a double edged sword. In claiming membership, there’s an expectation of a rigid identity, I think partially to fight all the Conversion Therapy, and Homosexuality is a Choice people.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
JfC, and lord help you when you “stray”. I’ve had complete strangers both email and approach me at conventions to let me know just how much I’ve “disappointed” them by falling in love with a man.
Yeah, real open-minded there, guys.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
I can not express my happiness at even just the few people who appreciate. The pressure for labeling oneself is immense, and it’s nice to know that there are other people who have had similar histories.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
I just think it’s great to find someone you connect with; and more power to you if you can deal with men in a more-than-friends capacity. I’m not saying I never could, but I’m happily wed to my wife and can’t see me getting with a bloke ever (geeze, watch me dealing with penises at *work*, it’s hilarious enough).
I always find it hard to believe that people get upset at someone finding happiness – whoever it’s with. It, frankly, is none of their business. :)
And it’s an awesome comic – I totally agree with the sentiment, although I abuse labels horribly, and like to collect as many contradictory and inappropriate ones as I can :)
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I find it odd that so many people reject the Kinsey scale and treat sexuality as completely rigid. Bisexual discrimination will linger on after homosexual discrimination because of this. For the truly open minded, sexual identity shouldn’t matter.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
This is totally unrelated to today’s comic but I have a humble suggestion : it would make things look 195% better if in your replies you appeared as something less technical than “admin”, with maybe an icon…
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I really love your comics Erika, and I get a kick out of all the comments. While I’ve never found a girl I wanted to go to bed with, I’m thrilled to have finally found a man who enjoys that fact that I like tits! Took 30 years, but I knew he was out there. My ex-husband called me a dyke just because I wore my hair too short for his comfort level – my new guy gets off on the fact that we have the same taste in women. Makes going to the strip clubs sooo much fun. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I wanted to go to Devil’s Point – he had been there, but I read about it in one of your comics : ]
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
It’s only now that I’m starting to go through this. I’m now 19. . .
But, I have no real experience either… But I also haven’t found anyone that I’ve felt like I’ve fallen for. And your comics make me feel OKAY about that!
By that I mean that if I wait, then I’ll know for sure that I’ve found the person for me. (except I’ll have found them and probably still have little to no experience. . . )
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I love this comic – definitely one of my favorites. It’s an evolution I went through (with a side of gender dysphoria) but in the end, you identify yourself by your accomplishments, not by your sexuality. <3
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Human sexuality is so complicated and organic…way more than the binary system that we think it is.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
And I second your statement, Wood.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Wood, I know I knoooooow. Would you believe I can’t figure out how to give myself an avatar? And I only JUST NOW found out how to change my name?
Folks, I’m really computer illiterate.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
You can’t just use Gravatar.com like us regular readers ?
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Wood, oh! I didn’t know about that. Okay, is this working?
Does anyone know how I can make my texts have a background color, so they stick out from the rest?
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
CRAP, why doesn’t my picture show??
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Wait, now it is? Oh god, I don’t even understand.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I’d think your name and the picture would stand out enough. But that’s just mee.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Those dirty monosexuals and their judgmental ways….
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Is there a shorter way of saying “I’m lacking experiences with both sexes to be labeled”? Because I’ve only been with one guy, so I don’t know if I’m bi, les, or straight yet.
By the way, I love your comic!
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Jamie, maybe just “I’m open-minded/undecided”?
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I’m totally behind this. There’s so much more to a person than who they want to be with.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
LOVE the 17 year old hair o_O If only I had the damn same but fine hair doesn’t play ;_;
Unfortunatly sexuality does take the idea of armed resistance, as it was back in the day when if you said a girl was ‘beautiful’ who wasn’t a friend or family member you got teh looks o’ suspicion from folks who didn’t think that lesbianism was possible (Queen Victoria I of the UK honestly didn’t think lesbianism existed and hence the Homosexuality Bill only mentions men. Obviously she’s never heard of Queen Anne, one of the most famous lesbian Queens)
But now we’re in a place, in most liberal cities, of ‘You’re gay? Cool, are you going to eat that pancake?’. Frankly, unless your sexuality involves children, animals or excessive gore/violence/unwilling rape, then who the Hell cares?
Don’t feel bad or irritated from being undecided; gender is just an option. If someone presses all your buttons, then their gender only really comes in when pregnancy and intercourse is worked out
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
hey erika, love the comic. this is pretty much exactly what happened to me. and i love the message that there are more important things to value yourself on than the gender of the people you fuck. i can relate with the whole “but i thought you were a dyke?” thing from every side… my parents even thought that because i’m with a guy now, it meant i was going to give up ALL my “sinful” ways and go back to church! blech. thanks for the honesty, love it.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Hey Erika, there is a really sexist, gross ad on your page. It’s for a site called licd.com
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
…why cant people just be “fae” “john” “erika”?
thats a pretty nifty label right?
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
OMG I love the “I’m totally a dyke” panel :D
Great strip.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
This is like the 5th strip of yours that I’ve been like, “Heeeey… THAT’S ME. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. EHHH.” In a good way, of course. :)
The other memorable one where I am you is the q-tip ear cleaning one. My girlfriend has to like, restrain me while she cleans my ears.
And I know how you feel. Er well, you know how I feel. I’ve decided to say, when asked, “I have a girlfriend. I’m attracted to who attracts me.” Seems to be enough.
Also, you live near me, and while that may make me a slight stalker, it is also awesome… to me.
>_>
<_<
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I always find it a bit strange that people even feel the need to define their sexuality. I’m attracted to people… sure a larger percent of them happen to be male, but whatever, when I female comes along that is attractive, that’s all good.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Dude, I JUST found out about your comic, like, tonight. I read all of ‘em, and I gotta say … something. But I don’t know how.
I’ll explain – I’ve recently realized that I’m pretty much a lesbian ( I’m 16 ), but I have a boyfriend as well. I love him with all my heart and I don’t UNDERSTAND, but I’m so happy with him! I was never really one to care about how I appeared to others, but I always felt … weird, I guess, because I didn’t know this could happen and had never heard of anything similar. But then I read DAR! And now everything’s like WOAH, SHE’S THE SAME ( right down to the making sound effects with dicks and checking out girls with the boyfriend and even the comic artist thing… )
I dunno how many comments you get like this, but I felt the need to share this with you. So uh, thanks. C:
June 24th, 2009 at 12:33 am
There’s some graffiti near my work that says something like ‘brad is gay’, I’ve been wanting to write under that ‘everyone is gay!’
June 24th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I’m totally a pansexual amorphous blob. While I do find some fleshy exteriors more attractive than others, I’m ultimately attracted to the person inside. And I don’t feel the need to be particularly masculine or feminine; I like being in the middle. I hate how there seems to be just as much pressure to pick being male or female as there is to pick being straight or gay.
June 24th, 2009 at 11:37 am
hooray! you figured it out! :D
the human body wants sex, and it’ll have sex with whatever has strong hormones to make it attractive to it, thus, we all want sex with each other, deep down inside.
we all want sex
we all want to reproduce
it doesn’t matter
who or what
boy or girl
as long as are downunders feel like it could be reproducing XD
<3
June 24th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
HA YES. never commented before, but I’m so with you. (I’m 22. Kinda panel 5 right now. My boyfriend wants me to be panel 6…!)
Thanks, Erika. Good to know there are lots of us out there. (Also, you’re an awesome artist :)!)
June 24th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
In my regional german accent there is a saying: “Do wat ju wullt, de Lü schnackt doch”, which could be translated as “Whatever you do, people will talk about it anyways”. So whenever there is somebody blaming you for not being queer enough, remember your fans out here, who love you for following your heart. You’re doing a great job, much better than all the people who desperately cling to sexual conventions, even if they know for themselves that they feel different.
(I always feel very insecure when writing in english, especially because of my limited word pool. But I hope I was abled to get my point across.)
June 25th, 2009 at 12:24 am
I think a lot of the ‘gender identity definition’ issue is a defense mechanism. It’s one of the reasons straight males seem to be so amazingly vehement about ‘I’m STRAIGHT’ even if a woman so much as wriggles her finger suggestively toward his backside, and perhaps as much why the ‘hardcore man-hating lesbians’ are such a snide trope.
In being so very savage about their sexual preference they’re both reinforcing their preferences to themselves in order to comfort some doubt, as well as warning off others who might make them have to dwell on that doubt. A heavy majority of interest in the other direction shouldn’t mean you have to be afraid of/angry at someone else expressing interest in you. It really ought to be okay to simply say, ‘I’m flattered, but not at all interested, sorry! You’re still cool with me, though,’ without losing points on some kind of sexuality scoreboard.
It sometimes seems many don’t agree with that sentiment – once you’re on a ‘team,’ you’re responsable for that team. How DARE a guy hit on you, they’re all so creepy and disgusting and you’re a DYKE, damnit, why can’t they just leave you alone..! RAWR. It’s an insult to your sexuality and to your ’side!’
Well, call me selfish, but I’m me. Not ‘a dyke,’ and not ‘team member #112.’
Decisions are hard, they really are, and feelings can be confusing as hell. I’m hardly saying, ’stop identifying sexually at all.’ If that’s what they need, that’s what they need… but it’s a little sad that we need those distinct ‘I’m on the left, you’re on the right’ labels to serve as our crutches, sometimes.
I adore exploring myself and my attractions – I’ve never been happier since I started doing so and got out of the ‘rawr all guys are teh suck’ spiral and eventually modified it to ‘-most- guys are utter idiots, but moderately well meaning.’ I’ve been with an adorable (if somewhat gender-bendy, he’s friggin’ gorgeous!) sweet guy for years now, and haven’t looked back.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Some people need to label everything and everyone to feel secure. Unfortunately as the last few decades of free(er) speech, greater self-expression and plain public honesty have shown, sexuality refuses to be compartmentalised. I have personal preferences regarding hair colour, body shape and gender, but I’ve crossed the line on all of these because of _who_ the person was. From a purely logical perpective, why should gender have any greater or lesser importance than any other criterion?
June 25th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
My husband still introduces me as: “This is my wife…She’s a dyke. Everyone calls her Squee.”
or my personal favorite when he’s pointing me out in a crowd at a party: “The chick over there that looks like a really short gay dude in the button down? That’s my wife.”
This strip is damn near EXACTLY what i went through. Like almost VERBATIM down to the clothes and the hair too! LOL.
My husband and I have found so much stuff that we can personally relate to in your comics! “Special Wed” and “Bromance” are perfect examples!
Your strip makes me smile and giggle every week! Thank you for sharing your awesome talent with the world! :D
June 25th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Happy Birthday!
June 26th, 2009 at 7:13 am
The only reason I think identification is important is because of the community. Especially in such a pivotal time in political decisions it is very important to be proud of who you are. This is not to say that you must label yourself, but just to say that continued support of the community to which you belong/belonged is important to it’s longevity. Especially as somewhat of a public figure, maintaining that support or identity becomes more important than just us shmoes. There is no reason to define your work by your sexual orientation, but there are plenty of reasons to maintain in support and in view of the LGBTQ community.
I don’t think you’ve deserted at all, I just think you might be underestimating your importance as a queer, accomplished woman. While it shouldn’t make any difference, it does. Just like with Obama — it would be GREAT if it wasn’t a big deal that he was black, but it is, simply due to societal norms.
As always, love your comics tho. Keep it up.
June 26th, 2009 at 9:10 am
ERIKA, I LOVE YOU. Hahahaha. I did this same thing. Actually, I was still saying I was straight when my best (girl) friend put her hands down my pants :D And now I’m a lesbian single mother. Whoops.
June 26th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Happy birthday, queer-cute-comicker ! :D
June 27th, 2009 at 3:04 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_and_Rose
June 27th, 2009 at 4:39 am
It makes me sad that you have to ask not to be flamed when posting a comic like this.
Jamie C: how about “undeclared”? Actually I think maybe the moral of this story is you don’t have to label yourself.
June 27th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I have that problem with romantic orientation and poly/mono stuff. My sexuality’s pretty simple, and has always been straightforward- I’m asexual, no exceptions, no doubts. But I don’t really know who I find datable, or how many people I could find dateable at once- and it’s not really a big enough deal for me to worry about.
Labels are good for communicating, and it’s fine that people identify as them strongly (I identify as asexy very strongly)- but it’s pretty sucky that people try to write them in stone and get mad if you don’t fit the rules.
June 27th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Thanks for this. Labels are tough – they seem to cover so few situations.
I’m married to a guy, so I could easily say I’m straight. But I’m attracted to women and I’ve had sex with a few, so I’m definitely bisexual. But that comes with so much stigma, so maybe I should go with queer? But since I’m married to a guy and unlikely to have a relationship with a woman any time soon I feel like I’m co-opting other people’s much more difficult experiences by labeling myself as queer, so maybe I’ll just go with straight. Even though it’s pretty inaccurate, and some people get iffy about straight people who are very concerned about gay rights.
There’s just no good answer.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Ashke, LOTS of straight people are very concerned with gay rights. We have relatives and friends who are directly affected, and we ourselves are indirectly affected just on the basis of what our society stands for and says to the world at large. (DOMA, for instance, marks us as bigots whether or not we’re directly affected or feel that way personally. Our societal laws make that statement to the world.) Someday the labels will be, if not irrelevant, then merely curiosities; meanwhile we fight the good fight.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Oh, and the actual point — if people are “iffy” about us due to our egalitarian sensibilities, then perhaps they aren’t people about whom we need to care what they think of us. Or something like that. It’s late and my grammar is asleep.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I like how your sleeves regress through time…
June 29th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Ugh, just ended a relationship with a guy that was all “transexuals are mentally ill” and the last guy was “ewwww, vaginas? grosssssss!”, but the last girlfriend was totally down with it and we could talk about guys and girls together. Damn, really wish we were ever on the same continent…
June 29th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Anyone else notice that the shirt in the third panel looks like it says “Cum” ?
Maybe it’s just me.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Rather than labels, I wish we used tags like the Web does. Calling my best friend from grad school a “lesbian” only captures one dimension of her being. More appropriate are “gardener”, “biologist”, “Jane Austen fan”, “movie buff”, “good cook”, “great sense of humor”……..
July 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
It just struck me… I hope you’ve seen Bob and Rose? I don’t know if it ever made it to the States at all! It was probably the best thing Russell T. Davies has ever written…
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 am
Ratsnot : I thought it said “cunt”, but it could also be “cum”, I guess…
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I hate being confused by labels…i much rather prefer people say “i like who i like” because i think it’s impossible to have a narrow definition of sexuality, it’s fluid (i think) so just loosen up! you love who you love, and are attracted to who you are attracted to, be it girl boy or transexual gay/lesbian. they’re only labels.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Oh god, that’s describing me pretty well so far. It’s uncanny!
July 6th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Okay… so then why do all the accomplishments you define yourself with (at least online) revolve around your sexuality?
July 6th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Z, People (including yourself, apparently) pay the most attention to the sex stuff, doesn’t mean I don’t have a whole world of other things going on.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
[...] on Bristol board, inks by hand, scans back into the computer, and adds digital gray tones. See the finished comic at [...]
July 16th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Never had the sexual identity problem, always liked girls, except now I prefer women XD Love the comic, been reading since Jennie Breeden wrote about it a couple of years ago. Would you be OK with using some of your comics in our UU welcoming congregation classes?
July 16th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
This is my favorite one so far! The last panel really speaks to me as someone who hates how caught up people become in their sexuality. The worst part about it is that it is often a response to the repressiveness of our society. Anyway, don’t ever stop drawing – you are amazing!
August 1st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Just thought I’d share zis: Age 11: Girls are pretty… But I’m not gay I’m just “appreciative” Age 12: I’m totally 100% gay and I love girls and only girls! Age 14: I must be pansexual, because I have a boyfriend. Bi? Me? Nah, that’s impossible. The term is PANSEXUAL. Age 15-16: I am gay but I have an exception. Now: This is too complicated!!! I GIVE UP!!! Ooh, she’s hot….
August 5th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
LOVE IT! I know I’m not alone…though I didn’t start until around cube 3. I went from bisexual, to lesbian to just queer. Thank you Erika!
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Such a touching comic, Erika. I wish some of my friends would understand.
September 14th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
It is a human habit to impose limits, and establish categories to try to neatly define the elements around us, as well as those within ourselves. People are especially guilty of binary thinking, leading to “One or the other” “You’re with us, or you’re against us” mindsets. However, life isn’t black and white, it is the shades of gray in-between.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
[...] the point? Comic from here. Ain’t this the [...]
September 21st, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I can definitely relate to this comic. And I have to say I LOVE your site and your work!! I look forward to the next one :-)
October 9th, 2009 at 5:07 am
I had this paragraph long comment about how humans instinctively label and categorize the world around us, but then I found out that nOObody had already said all of that and more. Anyways, as integral as labels are to our ability to better comprehend the world, they can be such a pain: Our tendency to mentally deconstruct people into an assembly of labels too frequently causes us to deny them their selves. The best thing we can do may be just to discourage people from letting their labels do all their thinking for them. Anyways, I really enjoy your work (having just read through the archives and gotten up to date), and I hope very much that you keep at it.
(Gah, I really wish I had some skill at brevity: I’m friggin’ 17, yet here I am droning on and on like a university professor D:)
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 am
I loooove panel 3.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:03 am
After studying philosophy and gender for two years, I wish I’d come up with an argument like this for Judith Butler.
December 5th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I just discovered your comic today, and I have to tell you how much I love it.
I realized I liked girls at 14 or so, and at 25 I still don’t know what the heck I am. Lesbian? But I like penises! Bisexual? But I don’t really connect to men the way I do women. Pansexual, perhaps, because I always think that it has a lot more to do with the person rather than the parts.
But in the long run, for the past 4 years I haven’t dated, kissed, had sex, and you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s so strange. Sure I like sex, I like girls, I like boys, I love drag queens and transmen, but I don’t have any desire to date or be in a sexual relationship with anyone.
I think I’m just meant to be a pansexual voyeur.
January 6th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
The age 17 one was me for a long time, until I got a boyfriend. I always figured bisexual or pansexual were the best labels since…why rule out possibilities? People are people etc. etc. etc.! :D
January 17th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Oh my god! Labels are so terrible! Why do we even _have_ descriptive words?!?!? God! I hate labels. Its definitely labels which cause the problem. Y’know. Always boxing people in and stuff like that. They should call them “hate”-bels cause that’s all that words that describe people are used for. Clearly, it is the existence of labels which creates hatred. Why can’t everyone just be treated equally, y’know? We’re all like, human, yknow?
What’s with all this conflict? I bet if we ask nicely, all the people in power will be glad to help remedy all material difference so no privileged people have to feel troubled and confused by this nasty ‘categories’ and ‘difference’ and ’social conflict’ stuff.
Hey, I got the best idea: if I start calling you “just a person” and you start calling me “just another person” and we don’t pay any attention to this lgbtq stuff, I bet the country’s marriage laws and all the subsequent financial and health protections and benefits they imply will suddenly magically stop using categories as well!
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:27 am
Thank you for the belly laughs(:
Absolutely spot on.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
i’m so glad to have found your comics, Erica. <3
when i'm not so broke, i'll totally dish out the cash to make a purchase. reading your comic diary thing makes me feel like i'm not as freakish as i sometimes think, heh…
March 17th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Love this one! :-)